Category / Stupidity

by Eddie

Son, we need to talk

The effects of onanism on the body

The effects of onanism on the body

Parents have two main fears about their children. One is they might be molested by a stranger. The other is that they might touch their own genitals.

Of these, every parent will understand, the second is by far the worse. And the good parent will do everything in their power to stop it happening.

Wait. What?

Dodgy Perth has been reading parenting advice from 1917. And we have come to the realisation that we did not bring up the Dodgy offspring correctly.

First of all, the statistics. 150 Perth boys aged around fourteen were interviewed as to whether or not they had abused themselves. 60% confessed they had indeed spanked the monkey at least once. However, scientists suspected the figure could be at least nine out of every ten.

Nearly every fourteen year old boy had been exposed to pornography, and all except two of them knew where their local brothel was to be found.

So what can we do to stop this outbreak of compulsive onanism?

Firstly, every parent should read the recommended book, Toward Racial Health. Already done that? Good, then we’ll go on.

Parents should not be shocked if their child confesses they have chocked the chicken. If they have, of course, it is entirely the fault of the parent for not having intervened earlier.

For example, if a boy of fourteen is innocent of the crime he will have no problems with his mother being in the bathroom while he showers.

But what should we do if our child has already buffed the banana?

Well do not rush to the doctor immediately. That can come later. Instead make sure he sleeps with his hands outside the sheets, and not on his back. If he feels the temptation coming on, he must have a cold shower. (You knew that one was going to be in there didn’t you?)

Encourage him to sleep on the verandah, and don’t dress him in thick pyjamas. Night clothes should be as thin as possible to prevent overheating.

If he still shows tendencies to fish with the trouser trout, cut down on the meat and never ever feed him pork.

In conclusion, don’t shirk your responsibility by handing your boy some book on ‘what a boy ought to know.’ Talk to him yourself. You will find it quite easy once the ‘ice is broken.’

And that’s not a euphemism.

by Eddie

A modest proposal to deal with the deficit

EQJust over a century ago Western Australia’s deficit meant the State was building up huge debts.

Sound familiar?

The blame, as it turned out, was to be laid squarely at the door of a government committed to large-scale projects without actually costing them properly or having the money to pay for them in cash.

Sound familiar?

There was a huge waste of money down by the waterfront. Not Elizabeth Quay this time, but formal gardens with beautiful grass and flowers. Just where it was likely that a quay or a wharf would be needed.

Even though faced with a budget shortage, the Government still went ahead with major building projects like a new stadium at Burswood. No, sorry, our mistake. Not a stadium, but an Art Gallery, so the leisured few could stroll around it on a Sunday afternoon.

No one could deny that investing in a public library or a technical school were essential. And given the mining industry, perhaps even a geological museum could be justified.

But not an art gallery, not a zoo, and certainly not an observatory. None of these could be defended until Western Australia had a population much larger than it had in 1909.

It was simple. Western Australia’s financial troubles were wholly of its own creation.

Sound familiar?

by Eddie

Embarrassing bodies

As is well known, only the most recent generation would be so stupid as to allow nude photographs of themselves to circulate outside of their control. Only today’s generation.

Which is why it is impossible their grandparents could have done so in the 1950s. Impossible, we tell you.

Well, except for those young Perth girls who were willing to get their kit off for a photographer and then unexpectedly find themselves in adult publications.

In 1953 it was all the rage to strip off for any photographer, professional or amateur. Sometimes the girl was paid. Sometimes she just did it for fun.

Although a few of the images could be considered artistic, many of them were much less ‘inhibited’. And it was these photos that often found their way to overseas magazines euphemistically known as ‘naturist publications’.

The trouble was magazines get imported. Sometimes back into the same city the original photos came from. Like Perth.

In Australia the law demanded local publications ‘retouch’ the images so certain lady bits were not so prominent. However, no such law applied to many European countries or to America.

So more than one Perth young lady found her suggestive poses purchased by her acquaintances, without any blurring from 1950s Photoshop.

But, like we say. It’s only the modern generation that would be so stupid.

by Eddie

Finding Lasseter’s Reef

Harold Lasseter (front) seeking his 'lost' reef

Harold Lasseter (front) seeking his ‘lost’ reef

Today Dodgy Perth goes all literary on you. We’ve been inspired by reading Blood Tracks of the Bush by Simpson Newland, first published in 1900.

And we’re not the only ones who found this novel inspirational.

But first, the novel.

The improbably named aristocrat Arnold Wroithesley travels to Australia to try and make enough money to save his ancestral home.

He buys a station and has an affair with a beautiful barmaid. When Arnold says he cannot marry her, the girl weds a hawker, who finds out about her relationship with Arnold. So he chops her head off.

Drought ruins Arnold, who then goes on a wild goose chase for rich deposits of gold concealed in caves. During an awful return journey across the desert, he fights with his mate Auber over the water bag and kills him.

Later, now at Broken Hill, Arnold recognises the hawker who had killed his lover. So Arnold does the decent thing and robs and murders the hawker, who has by now become rich.

This gives Arnold enough money to return home and save his estate.

However, he is followed by Auber, who is not only not dead, but who turns out to be his cousin. Then it turns out that the hawker was Arnold’s cousin as well.

Auber and Arnold fight for real this time, and kill each other.

The End.

If that summary doesn’t make you want to read the book, we don’t know what will.

One avid reader of Blood Tracks of the Bush was Lewis Hubert Lasseter, who was such a fan of modern novelists he even changed his name to Harold Bell Lasseter in honour of his favourite writer.

By 1929, Harold Lasseter (as he was now known) had so absorbed the plot of Newland’s novel, it seems he actually thought he had lived Arnold’s experiences for himself.

When he announced the fantastic discovery of what is now known as Lasseter’s Reef, really it should be Wroithesley’s Reef. Which alliterates better, anyway.

Every detail of Lasseter’s alleged discovery was lifted straight from the novel. In any case, his contradictory and improbable stories could only have been believed by someone who desperately wanted them to be true.

Lasseter certainly spent more time living in fantasy than the real world. In 1916, he sent his own death notice to a newspaper, saying he had died from wounds suffered at Gallipoli. He had never been there.

This was the man who, amazingly, persuaded backers to finance an expedition into central Australia to ‘rediscover’ a gold reef he had read about in a novel three decades earlier. Unsurprisingly, they failed.

So if you want to find Lasseter’s Reef for yourself, you’d be better off at the State Library than prospecting in the middle of the desert.

by Eddie

Booze, bullets and a body

Maley's Mill, 1860

Maley’s Mill, 1860

To prove Perth doesn’t have a monopoly on stupid behaviour, Dodgy Perth temporarily becomes Dodgy Greenough. It was there in 1879 a few young blokes got together to celebrate Guy Fawkes Night.

When they met up near John Maley’s mill (above), it turned out that one of the gang had brought along two shotguns, a rifle and a canister of gunpowder.

What could possibly go wrong when a group of drunk young lads has possession of firearms, you ask?

At first they amused themselves by firing a few shots in the air, but this quickly proved boring. So one youth decided it would add to the evening’s entertainment if he unexpectedly fired his gun between the legs of his companions.

When fourteen year old, John Cook, got hold of the rifle, he decided to copy his mate. Sneaking up behind Isaac Patience, John put the barrel between Isaac’s legs and fired.

But instead of going clean through, the bullet smashed into the young man’s left thigh, tearing away a huge piece of flesh and shattering the thigh bone. Blood flowed everywhere.

The panicking group carried Isaac to his home, and one of them ran to get the doctor. Unfortunately before the doctor could reach the victim, poor Isaac had breathed his last.

John Cook was tried for manslaughter and, presumably overcome with guilt, pled guilty to the charge. The jury, however, had sympathy for the kid and decided that he was not guilty, despite his plea.

This, as you can imagine, divided the local community between those who wished to see Cook punished properly and those who agreed with the jury.

So next time you want a night out, Dodgy Perth suggests bullets and booze don’t mix. Stick to one or the other.

by Eddie

It’s not paleo, but it does have spuds

potato-milk

But where are the laxatives?

Need to lose weight? Looking for a faddish diet with little scientific backing, but plenty of newspaper stories and celebrity endorsements?

Dr Dodgy Perth prescribes the following milk and potato diet which was all the rage in WA in 1940. We completely guarantee you will see the pounds simply drop off.(*)

Breakfast One glass of milk.

Lunch Two or three baked or boiled potatoes and another glass of milk.

Dinner Same as lunch or, for variety, potato soup made with milk and potatoes.

Supper A glass of warm milk to induce sleep.

Every night (and we mean every night) take one laxative.

Follow this diet three times a week, and we’ll let you eat some real food on the other days. But don’t forget the laxatives

Why not try it. What do you have to lose? Apart from the kilos. And maybe your health and sanity.

(*) Dodgy Perth survives exclusively on beer and cigarettes, and has never tried this diet. Consult a registered practitioner before embarking on the latest celebrity fad. Or don’t. It’s up to you, really. You’re a grown up. (If you are not a grown up, please do not try beer or ciggies. They’re bad. Really bad.)

by Eddie

Way out of line

CarnamahThere are not many inviolable rules when erecting a building, but there are some. Dodgy Perth now offers you this planning tip: make sure your building is in line with the street or it will look like you don’t know what you’re doing.

Welcome to Carnamah.

In 1932 the good citizens of this small Mid-West town were all excited about the new Post Office being raised by the Public Works Department.

However when the foundations were put down it was noticed that the alignment was completely wrong, and it did not fit with all the other buildings on McPherson Street. The Government was asked to fix this problem before the building itself went up.

At first, the response was that the local Road Board had asked for it to be built like that. Which wasn’t true.

Then the Government said that it was at the request of the Citizens’ Association. Which wasn’t true either.

In the end, the Government simply told Carnamah that if they got any more complaints they wouldn’t build a Post Office at all. So shut the hell up country people.

The Post Office was built and opened in June 1932. With the wrong alignment. And remains just like that to this day.

So when you’re next in Carnamah, raise a glass to the Postmaster General’s Department and their unorthodox approach to making friends in the regions.

by Eddie

Dirty, dirty perverts

oil-stainIn the early 1950s Melbourne was plagued by a pervert who enjoyed spraying people’s coats with some kind of disgusting heavy, greasy substance. He attacked on crowded trains, stations, buses and busy streets, but was never identified.

The creep had more than eighty victims! Every description of the offender was different. They were old. They were young. They were fat. They were thin. They were blonde. They had dark hair. They were a man. They were a woman.

Eventually it was thought they used a different disguise every time they went out on the prowl.

In Perth, there was one reported victim in May 1952. Jan Banachoski was a customer at the GPO in the city centre when he was attacked. However, nothing more seemed to come of it.

Suddenly in March 1953, the Melbourne sprayer appeared to have moved to Perth more permanently. Although no one really knew if it was just a copycat, or the original crank had actually relocated.

At one suburban hotel, four customers—who were who were unaware of anything amiss at the time, later found the backs of their coats daubed with something unidentifiable, but vile.

Even the cleaners who tried to repair the damage didn’t know if it would be possible to remove the oil.

All the victims were drinking at the bar when the sprayer struck, so quietly that he wasn’t spotted by anyone.

By August 1953, people in Adelaide were being attacked in a similar manner. And the media went hysterical over it.

As far as Dodgy Perth knows, no one was ever caught for this nationwide phenomenon, which makes it all the more mysterious.

by Eddie

Atomic alligator water…. seriously

Feeling sore? Do you know what would be good for you? Bathing in radioactive water. That would be just the thing to relieve your aches and pains.

But where, you ask, will I find this modern miracle? Look no further than Perth Zoo.

1928 Zoo Ad

Discovered around 1904 when Colonel Le Souef bathed in the alligator pond to cure his rheumatism, the radioactive baths became one of the main sources of money for the ever-impoverished zoological gardens.

In the 1920s, it cost just one shilling for admittance to the hot waters, although for a little more you could also get a Swedish massage from Madame Asta Idlund.

Along side those suffering from rheumatism, radioactivity was thought to be very good for those athletes who made regular visits.

But what about those radioactive alligators?