Category / Entertainment

by Eddie

The naughty racist elephant

Jumboroo in 1922

Jumboroo in 1922

Hello children. Are you sitting comfortably? Today we will tell the story of Jumboroo the racist elephant.

Mr Le Souef was sad. He owned a zoo. But he did not own an elephant. “What use was a zoo without an elephant?” thought Mr Le Souef.

Mr Le Souef had a Government friend called Happy Jack Scaddan. In 1922 Happy Jack was visiting Kuala Lumpur. He saw they had lots of elephants. So he asked if Perth Zoo could have one.

The nice people in Kuala Lumpur said yes. They promised to send an elephant to Happy Jack as soon as possible. So little Jumboroo was caught and placed on-board a ship bound for Fremantle.

On they way, Jumboroo fell through a hatch on the deck and tumbled six metres into the cargo below. What a naughty elephant. After that he was held in tight chains for the rest of the journey. Don’t you think he deserved it, children?

When he arrived at Robb’s Jetty, Jumboroo was scared of the big crowd there. He tried to get away. The people said he was a very naughty elephant indeed.

Jumboroo was even more frightened when they used a crane to lift him onto a small ferry to take him to South Perth. He made lots of noise. The people said the elephant must be very wicked to be so noisy.

When they finally dragged Jumboroo into the zoo, he did not want to go. The naughty little elephant was terrified of the roaring tigers. So Mr Le Souef said he would keep the mischievous elephant in chains since he was not behaving himself.

All the children came to see Jumboroo at Mr Le Souef’s lovely zoo. But the naughty elephant did not like it at the zoo, and he would not play with the lovely children.

The zoo people decided Jumboroo was racist, and only liked black people from his home country.* And you can’t have a racist animal in Perth Zoo. Can you, children?

So Mr Le Souef sold Jumboroo to Perry’s Circus for fifty pounds.

And the naughty racist elephant went off to start his new life in the Eastern States as part of the circus entertainment. We are sure he must have been very happy in the circus. Everyone loves circuses, don’t they?

Goodbye, Jumboroo the racist elephant.

* Actually they did not say “black people”. They said another word Dodgy Perth cannot use, even if Kanye West can.

by Eddie

If it’s not sharks, it’s drunks

90x150mmJ.D. did not like Cottesloe Beach. In fact, J.D. had a long list of things that were wrong with Cottesloe in 1912.

Firstly, the beach was infested by hoodlums, who engaged in horseplay which was scaring off women and girls. In particular, when the sun went down females ran the risk of being ‘grabbed’ by these larrikins while in the water, or when going to and from the changing rooms.

Ladies were often subject to the indignity of crude remarks when going down to the water’s edge. J.D.’s suggestion was to only allow bathers to occupy the space between the changing rooms and the sea, then the drunk loungers would be banned from the area.

Speaking of drunks, J.D. claimed that the number of them at Cottesloe was astonishing, especially on Sundays. Some of them were boozing on the beach, which others had come from the city, hoping that a swim might sober them up.

Young girls, eager to learn to swim, sometime made the mistake of allowing one of these drunken swine to take them out to sea. Even when they were sober, too few of these would-be swimming teachers knew what they were doing, and posed a risk to the girl’s life.

And some swimmers, don’t even pretend to swim at all. They simply keep in the shallow water and (ahem) wrestle with their significant other. Not exactly an edifying sight for young children.

Speaking of protecting children, most bathers have lost all sense of modesty and there was nowhere near enough material or fastenings on their costumes.

J.D. was not finished yet.

Drunks were wandering into the wrong changing rooms. Drivers were being unsafe on the road to the beach. The council hadn’t repaired to road in ages. And it should be widened. There were too many fishermen on the pier. And their bait stank.

All in all, J.D. did not like Cottesloe.

Dodgy Perth hasn’t been down to the beach there for a bit. Perhaps it is time to check out how many of J.D.’s complaints still hold true.

by Eddie

Value for money? In Perth?

must-wine-barSo, you think Perth is an expensive place to eat out? That’s because it is.

But this is nothing new. As increasing numbers of American sailors arrived in Perth during WWII, dining establishments realised they could hike up their prices and the visitors would have no choice but to pay up.

This blatant profiteering was everywhere condemned, but it didn’t stop the cafes and restaurants ripping off their customers. (Does this sound at all familiar?)

One local, Gavin Casey, complained that he was charged threepence for a solitary, small tomato on his plate. And at the same food stall, two shillings for the contents of a five-penny tin of spaghetti, a penny roll, a little butter, and a very small cup of coffee.

Gavin was outraged to have to pay two shillings for a hamburger and coffee, sixpence for another small cup of coffee, and a further sixpence for a small cup of milk.

Who can believe that it cost three shillings for a piece of steak? Especially when Gavin had to grill it himself over an open fire, although the establishment did supply a single piece of bread and butter to accompany the meat.

Dodgy Perth is not entirely sure that Mr Casey frequented the highest-class restaurants. Even at those prices.

In 1942, some restaurants were even getting so greedy as to demand a three shilling ‘cover charge’ from each diner, without bothering to provide entertainment or anything else to justify the money.

You can’t imagine feeling that ripped off in modern Perth can you? Oh, you can.

by Eddie

Now that’s entertainment

Bluebeard's Bloody Chamber, 1901

Bluebeard’s Bloody Chamber, 1901

We at Dodgy Perth know how to have a good night out. And we know that a good night out requires a man in drag and dismembered heads.

Sceptical? Read on.

The last time we met George Leake—lawyer and State Premier—some rotters were (and still are) hoping to knock down his widow’s house on Bellevue Terrace. Anyway, it turns out George had another talent. He made a very good drag queen.

In 1888 there was a special charity event at St George’s Hall on Hay Street. A building, we sadly note, now reduced to a parody of heritage conservation. Thank you District Court of WA.

After a few songs, the main act were waxworks borrowed from Jarley’s for the evening. The future Premier dressed up as ‘Mrs Jarley’, and he was surprisingly good at it.

The various waxworks were wheeled out while George—sorry, Mrs Jarley—cracked jokes and kept the crowd amused. There was Chang the giant, the Giant Killer, Jack Sprat and his wife, and Queen Elizabeth.

For those who believe product placement is a recent invention, the next tableaux was Mrs. Pears’ Soap and the Dirty Boy. Quickly followed by waxworks representing Winslow’s Soothing Syrup and Mrs Allen’s Hair Restorer. (Just don’t ask.)

The evening closed with Bluebeard’s chamber. Bluebeard himself was represented in the act of threatening his last wife’s existence with an uplifted scimitar. The heads of his previous victims were hung by their hair, all bleeding copiously, around the walls.

So: drag, rampant commercialism, and over-the-top gore. Sounds like Dodgy Perth’s ideal Saturday evening.

by Eddie

Let’s get it on in public

peepingtom-1We in the Dodgy Perth office are led to believe that some couples like to (ahem) take it outside every now and again. Presumably less popular in the winter months, though.

The best locations for alfresco luvin’ were identified in 1950, when a journalist decided to investigate Perth’s parks frequented by couples. Only in order, though, to check out the perverts who spied on them.

Presumably, hacks from The Mirror who hang around parks at night are exempted from the pervert category.

Let’s start with Weld Square, just off Beaufort Street. A well-lit area, there were two men who first sat looking from the benches, before flitting from tree to tree to peep on the courting pairs. (Dodgy Perth awards three out of five stars to Weld Square)

We cannot recommend Russell Square, in Northbridge, though. It is usually frequented by ‘plonk’ drinkers, and so is unattractive as a rendezvous. (Zero stars)

Hyde Park was very popular with both lovers and Peeping Toms. All the perverts had to do was wait and as soon as the couple was engrossed in lovemaking, take up a vantage point. Thanks to the plantings there, it was possible to get a really close-up viewpoint. (Five out of five stars)

A warning though. Sometimes the Peeping Toms take advantage of the duo being distracted, and creep up and steal her handbag. Being too embarrassed to explain what they were up to, these thefts were never reported to the police.

But the worst place for Peeping Toms is on grass by the river on Riverside Drive. The sheer number of weirdos there made it almost impossible to enjoy an outdoor experience. (Negative one star)

In 1950, a married couple were “sitting quietly” (yeah, right) by the river when the husband noticed a man crawling on all fours towards them. A fight broke out, with the pervert coming out very much second best.

So, Dodgy Perth has made our recommendations. We leave it to our readers to decide where and when they would like to ‘go outside’.

The following video is very NSFW. You have been warned.

by Eddie

Are flappers always slappers?

Photographic Negative - AcetateToday Dodgy Perth covers one of the most controversial questions in history: Is every Perth girl a slapper, or only some of them?

The evidence for the prosecution comes from an anonymous Katanning lady, who had just returned home after a six week holiday in Perth in 1929.

She had had hated every minute of it. Only back in the countryside could she once again breathe freely, away from an atmosphere contaminated by hypocrisy and senseless frivolity.

You see, a typical Perth girl is an empty headed, pleasure-seeking and selfish young miss with no thought for the future. All she thinks about is herself, her clothes and how to get men to adore her.

For hobbies, the young city woman likes only to dance, drink cocktails and smoke. Her greatest pleasure is to see how many parties she can get to into one evening.

And—we shudder to say it—the Perth lasses are using paint, powder and lipstick to make themselves appear more attractive to the menfolk. No country girl finds it necessary to “do up” every five minutes. They have deeper thoughts than whether or not their noses are shining.

Worst of all, these brazen hussies are openly speaking about topics which should never be spoken about. In public.

Thank god that the average country girl remains unsullied by modern ideas. For they are the last of their sex who can uphold the honour and dignity of true Australian womanhood.

The case for the prosecution rests, M’Lord.

The fair maids of Perth, though, were not going to hear such slander in 1929 without a response. Oh no.

For a start, the gay dresses worn to the dances are usually made by the girls themselves. And most have to make their own underwear as well.

Our country lass forgets that Perth women have real jobs, mostly in offices, and it is only natural they would seek entertainment in the evening.

Yes, they use make up. But also go to the gym, and attend night classes in business studies, English, French, dressmaking, millinery, and cookery classes. Unbelievable, isn’t it, how versatile the city girl is compared to her country counterpart?

In any case, do you really think that Katanning is that dull? When Perth lasses visit the country they find the parties there very far from tame, even thrilling. It’s not necessary to leave a small town to find something to shock a rural prude.

The case for the defence rests.

by Eddie

From bluff to buff

strip-poker-tornament8

She appears to be winning

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. But there is one thing that never changes. When young people find a new entertainment, older people will be outraged. Followed by the media demanding the government ban whatever it is young people are doing.

In the mid-1920s, the smart young set discovered Strip Poker, and their elders were livid. An American import (what evil doesn’t originate from those shores?), Strip Poker was judged indecent. Which it was. Which is what made it fun. Which is why the young folk liked to play it.

And so the game was taken up by the young society folk in West Perth homes. And one particularly drunken New Year’s Eve, on Cottesloe Beach in full view of passers-by.

Six to eight boys and girls would assemble at a home and “primed up with sundry cocktails”, they sat round a table and left the rest to chance. The rules were simple. Counters were issued and each article of clothing had a certain value on the counters. Somebody had to lose in every hand, and the unlucky would usually go on losing all night. Until they had lost all of their clothing.

What made it all the more outrageous was that the players were the offspring of respectable, high-class families. Yet they were baring their bodies like the disreputable castes who lived downtown. The morals of nice Perth girls were worth protecting, said the media. While you might expect this sort of thing in Sydney and Melbourne, it should not be happening in classy Western Australia.

Quite right too.

by Eddie

Lyons frightened by Poppy

Poppys

“I have in my attaché case a few copies of some twopenny novels which I purchased recently at a city bookshop, and they reek with sex.”

So said Rev Arthur Lyons to a conference at the Wesley Church in 1933.

Apart from the fact they were not novels but magazines, the unfortunate expression ‘reek with sex’ only puts the Dodgy Perth office in mind of a kinky song Rihanna put out a few years back.

It seems odd that a Methodist minister would boast so openly of having erotic material in his briefcase.

Oh wait. It turns out Arthur only read them because he had to. So we don’t have to, you understand.

One publication in particular aroused the good preacher: Poppy’s Paper, Incorporating Nan’s Novels. According to Rev Lyons, this immoral periodical was typical of the sex-tainted books now in the hands of our young people.

And if they had this kind of thing, who knows what else may get in their hands?

Dodgy Perth has viewed many such 1920s and 30s magazines. They are certainly a little risqué for their time, and obsessed with ‘real life’ stories of marriages gone wrong. But far, far from pornographic. Even by the standards of the day.

Another speaker at Wesley Church, John Tucker, was also against dirty books, but had a more modern approach. He said young people were probably buying them out of curiosity, so if parents could be a little more forthcoming on the facts of life there would be less need for such literature.

Rev Tucker was in a minority.

Rev Jenkins leapt to his feet and shouted it was not enough to condemn books, but many films should be banned too.

At least Rev Lyons had actually seen some of the filthy material. One Rev Nye admitted he didn’t know anything about the subject, because he would not even touch dirty books, let alone read them. But that wasn’t going to stop him calling for a complete ban.

In addition, the reverend continued, we should also be banning so-called reputable novels, since these are more dangerous than magazines. At least with a magazine, you knew it was smut as soon as you opened it.

Thankfully today you wouldn’t find people claiming a new medium was corrupting our youth. That’s why everyone takes a sensible stance on video games and pop videos. Everyone, we tell you.

by Eddie

He or she? The Royal Show freak

Budd

Anna-John Budd, 1938

Visitors to the 1938 Perth Royal Show could expect, as ever, to be both fascinated and repelled by the human freaks on offer in the sideshows.

That year the ‘freaks’ included Mexican Rose, an (unsurprisingly) Mexican lady, alleged to weigh 64 stone (400 kg). According to press reports, Rose had to be lifted off the boat by a crane on arrival in Australia.

Another exhibit was Jang, a 10-year-old from Borneo, who had been collected by jungle explorer and lion hunter Dave Meekin, who made a living out of gathering human curiosities for Royal Shows. Jang was said to have a tail.

Miss Betty Broadbent was a tattooed girl, with ink from her neck to her ankles. She boasted of having 465 designs, including the biggest single piece ever tattooed on anyone on her back: a copy of ‘Madonna and Child’. Her arms and legs were covered with gypsies, Chinese pirates, and across her throat were American eagles surmounting the American flag.

But none of these freaks were as important as the star attraction of sideshows, the ‘half-and-half’. Or hermaphrodite, as we might say today.

In 1938, the dubious honour of being the most sought after freak at the Royal Show was Anna-John Budd. A Canadian, Anna-John had been registered at birth as a girl, went to a girls’ school and it was never suspected she was anything but a girl.

When she was about fourteen her right side increased in size and bone structure, and hair began to grow only on the right side of her body. About the same time she was overcome with a desire to take part in men’s sports, rather than woman’s.

And now as a fully grown person, her left side was purely female, and her right side purely male. If there were any doubters, the public was offered the opportunity to intimately examine Anna-John to prove that this was a genuine medical wonder.

Perth’s police, however, were not so keen on allowing the general public to undertake such examinations, despite Anna-John’s protests that s/he had “always made it a practice to permit nothing indecent to be associated with the act” and that there was “much worse exposure on beaches of Sydney and Brisbane.”

It was also possible, if you desired, to buy postcards of Anna John for (ahem) private enjoyment in the privacy of your own home. HH-John-Anna-A2Today, the most probable explanation for Anna-John’s condition is that he was born a man, took hormones to promote breast growth and shaved the left half of his body. Combined with a specially designed dress and appropriate make-up, this would look convincing to the gawking paying customers.

Even so, it makes the current displays at the Royal Show seem very tame by comparison.

by Eddie

Garden party mayhem

food_fight

Would you like mustard with that?

Unfortunately, the common types at Dodgy Perth don’t get invites to Perth Mayoral garden parties. But in the 1920s, such events were free to any ratepayer who asked for an invitation.

In 1924, hundreds showed up to a gathering held to honour British naval officers visiting WA. The officers were in ceremonial dress, heads of government in suits, and ladies appeared in gorgeous silk evening attire. But most of the crowd were ordinary Perth citizens: tram conductors in uniform just off their shift, mothers with prams, and just about everyone else.

It didn’t go well. As one cynical observer noted, “There may have been enough to eat and drink for everybody. We don’t know.”

The mob didn’t wait to see. It surged towards the supper tables, leaping over chairs and anything else in its way. Rich and poor, businessman and tradie, titled ladies and washerwoman, all ran towards the buffet.

Platters were ruined by having punch spilt over them. One lady’s blouse was nearly torn off in a fight for a bottle of beer. Wine flowed everywhere, not all of it into mouths. The waiters did their best, but they were overwhelmed. It was everyone for themselves, and only the strong prevailed.

The Mayor appealed for calm, but to no effect. The crowd was out of control, and all they wanted was food and drink. Shouts from the back of the crowed to “leave off and give the others their cut!” were ignored. In the scrum, someone managed to get hold of the special champagne intended for the VIPs, and it didn’t last long.

On the outskirts of the scene the British officers looked on. If they found the scene amusing, they were too polite to smile.

Strangely, this was not the first time a mayoral party had descended into chaos. It seems most ended the same way.

The Dodgy Perth team will vote for whichever Lord Mayor promises to reintroduce this great Perth tradition of badly organised garden parties.